‘Help – my husband wont have sex with me and wants to leave me for a man’

A Daily Star reader wrote to agony aunt Jane O'Gorman about her husband's sexuality.

She said: "My husband wants to leave me for a man, but says I can’t tell anyone the truth.

"He maintains it would kill his parents to hear that our marriage has failed. They are extremely old-fashioned and believe that marriage is for life.

"He’s worried about what his brother and two sisters might say, too.

"He and I married in 2016 and I knew on my wedding night that I had made a massive mistake.

"He simply wasn’t interested in touching me. I paraded around our honeymoon suite in a white, lace basque and he couldn’t have looked more disinterested."

She continued: "I tried to seduce him and he complained that I was standing in front of the telly. I went to touch him and he backed off.

"Our marriage was finally consummated two weeks later, but only after I’d threatened to file for an annulment.

"Since then, we’ve only made love a dozen times, each time at my insistence and with minimal effort from him.

"Now he’s met his soulmate and I’m delighted for them both. His new lover is funny, clever and attractive.

"I’m more than happy to let him go, but he’s paranoid. He says we can’t get divorced and instead, he’ll pay me a healthy monthly amount for life.

"I can live with other guys, but I have to be discreet."

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She added: "In other words, I’m to take the money and keep my mouth shut.

"I keep telling him that this is 2021 and, after all we’ve been through, he deserves to be happy and free, but he will not budge.

"I know his lover isn’t keen to be kept hidden away either, but has told me that he’ll “go with the flow” and hope my stubborn husband changes his mind later."

Thankfully, Jane was on hand to give her words of advice.

JANE SAYS: I feel for your husband. He’s so terrified of his parents and siblings that he’s not even able to tell them your marriage is ending – let alone that he’s gay.

He’s met someone with whom he can finally be himself, but his family continue to have a hold over him.

Is this about money? Is he scared they’ll cut him off from funds or property? Or is this more about their old-fashioned mindset?

What he’s asking of you is huge. He married you knowing he wasn’t interested in heterosexual sex. Did he use you to impress the folks?

Now he’s asking you to live a lie for the rest of your life. Is that feasible? Can you really pretend to be married when you’re actually living apart?

The idea of a lifetime of money might be tempting, but how can he promise to pay you for ever? No-one knows what might happen.

It’s not your place to “out” him or force him to do anything he’s uncomfortable with, but you and he have to find some middle ground for all of your sakes.

Can you encourage him to speak to a therapist? Is moving away from his prying family an option?

You cannot allow him to control you indefinitely.

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