I'm sure my girlfriend cheated on me with a barista after we moved in together

DEAR DEIDRE: MY girlfriend was cheating on me all over Christmas, messaging a guy every time my back was turned, and I think they’ve had sex.

My girlfriend and I moved in with her mum for the November lockdown.

We spent the earlier lockdown both working from home in our one-bedroom flat with no outside space and felt so trapped we both got very argumentative.

Her mum lives in a nice little town and has a garden. She is divorced and said she was glad of the company. She is 47, my girlfriend is 23 and I am 26.

I was looking forward to the break but my girlfriend was constantly on her phone. She kept checking to see whether I was looking before opening messages, which came across as suspicious.

She left her phone on the bedside table when she went for a shower so I took a look.

There were loads of messages with a guy who works in a coffee bar where she usually goes with her mates. It wasn’t definite they’d had sex but it looked likely. I confronted my girlfriend and she struggled to justify the messages.

We talked for hours and agreed to make a fresh start, with her promising to delete this guy off her social media. We then had a brilliant time for the rest of the month before returning to our flat to give her mum a break.

My company wanted me back in the office more before Christmas as they were very busy so I spent less time with my girlfriend before we got to Christmas itself, which we had to spend in our little flat.

Something made me uneasy so I took another look at her phone a couple of days ago. There was a stream of messages with this same bloke and it was obvious they had met while I was at work. She got very upset, insisting nothing has been going on. I don’t know what to do now for the best.

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DEIDRE SAYS: Clearly something has been going on, emotionally if not sexually, and your girlfriend at the very least met this guy when she had committed to you to cut him out of her life.

I’m not saying it would be OK for you to control who she could and couldn’t be friends with, but ask her what she’s getting from this man she doesn’t get from you.

It may be nothing to do with sex. If they’re just good friends, suggest the two of you meet him together, so you can get to know him and enjoy his company. Outflanking a rival can often work better than head-to-head battle.

If your girlfriend says that’s a no-no, say you accept you can’t veto her friendship circle but infidelity is a no-no for you and tell her she has to make a choice.


CHILD abuse has escalated in the pandemic and the NSPCC estimates that 500,000 children suffer abuse in this country.

If you are concerned, my e-leaflet Worried A Child’s At Risk? will help. Email the address below or private-message me on Facebook.

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